Parent advice: Giving children choices

5 Guidelines for Giving Children Choices

Giving children a say builds relationships and strengthens cooperation.

Providing young children opportunities to use their voices, make decisions, develop ownership, and solve problems are great ways to bond with them too.

Giving children a say also:

·       builds respect

·       strengthens community

·       invites cooperation

·       develops problem-solving skills

·       capitalizes on children’ normal human need for power and control

Here are 5 guidelines for giving children a voice and a say:

1.     Avoid overwhelming them

Children want and expect their parents to provide structure and make key family decisions. It helps them feel safe. While it is great to give children a say in things, too many or too big of  choices can overwhelm them or put too much pressure on them.

Give young children the choice between only two things. If they don’t or can’t pick between the two, don’t offer a third. (This doesn’t include “free play time,” where they should be able to do whatever they’re interested in.)

2.     Be consistent

If you give children choices once, but not the next time, they naturally get frustrated and protest. Their confusion often results in them "pushing back," questioning, or refusing to comply as a way to determine where the "real" boundaries are. Adults often end up viewing this "push-back" as uncooperative or acting-out behaviour when it is really just a way for children to determine the extent of their power.

3.     Create a ritual around choices

Make certain choices "rituals." For example, when you go to the park, name two parks and they choose which one. Every Saturday morning they may choose to run errands with you or stay home. At the library, always let them choose 5 books. At night, they can choose night light on or door open. At lunch, they can choose water or milk to drink. At dinner, they can eat the regular meal or eat Cheerios instead (or whatever choices work for your own family).

4.     Ask them to help you fix problems

If your child is having trouble doing the tasks needed to get out the door, put him in charge. Create a checklist on a clipboard of stick-figure pictures of all the things he needs to do to get ready, and have him cross off each thing as it gets done.

Ask your child to help you solve the problem of caps not being put back on markers. (She will be more likely to put the caps on, no matter what strategy she comes up with).

If there are books all over your child’s bedroom floor, ask her how she thinks the floor could stay clear.

5.     Thank and reinforce

If your child shovelled his books off the floor, you could say, “Wow, this shovel idea you thought of is really working out well. I see the floor is as clear as ever! You’re really taking care of your room.”

If your child chose swimming over going for a walk, you might say, “Thanks for choosing swimming. It was so fun to splash in the water with you.”

If your child chooses to run errands with you, comment, "I'm so glad you chose to help me out. Doing errands is always more fun with you by my side."

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